twatwafflejones

Friday, April 07, 2006

Moving...

Check me out here, I have too many blogs to keep up!
See you over there!
Clicky:
http://adventuresoftjones.blogspot.com/

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Strange habits!

I just noticed something about myself which caused me to spit my coffee out and laugh - everytime I'm sitting up and I stretch, I finish it off by running my hands over my boobs. Obviously I don't know why I do this since I just noticed it myself!




I love my boobs. They are big, not monstrous. They aren't even in the same league as Leave It To Cleavage's, that's for damn sure. She doesn't know this, but the first time I met her, I did everything I could not to stare at her ginormous ta-tas. Other people, mostly men, weren't as subtle.

So what kind of strange, involuntary things do you find yourself doing?

NOTE: The boob shot is to try to boost my ratings over at Blog Explosion!

(forget my boobs, my nose looks HUGE!!)

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

My Turn!

I suppose Bitchy isn't the first gal on the web to post about her menstrual cycle and I suppose she won't be the last. The buck won't stop here on this blog! Oh no, Bitchy isn't the only one who can have bloody fun on here! I, too, will describe my menstrual cycle to you. I know I know, you're clapping with glee and are anxious with anticipation at reading the details of my flow.

First, let me discuss the history of my cycle to you. I did not start my period 'til a month before my 15th birthday! If you just said 'late bloomer', you ain't just whistlin' Dixie!

After that, the only other time I was ever regular was the second time I got my period, exactly 28 days later. I remember this clearly, another rite of passage that traumatized me! I was in Pittsburgh visiting relatives and we had to get dressed up to go somewhere and I just didn't want to wear one of those bulky pads. My aunt had tampons and I tried one. Boy, what an invention, lemme' tell you! I bet Mr. Tampon is reaping the benefits of his rewards.

Inserting it was easy, the problem was getting it out. Yeah there was a string but no amount of tugging would release it. I started crying and my aunt came in and yanked the little fucker out. I didn't have time to react. I recall there was some discomfort to this abrupt action but I think I was more in shock! Anyway, from that moment on, I knew how to remove tampons. Aren't you happy for me?!

I can't remember when exactly I started taking the pill but it's been a constant staple in my life for some time now. Conceiving both my kids came very easy for me. The pill has always worked well for me (except for one time that I will get to in a minute) so there was little decision after both of my kids what contraception I would use.

My marriage was taking a dump on my life but I blamed my lack of libido on the pill, as that is one of the side effects, so I decided to go off of it. Not that I had an over-abundance of sex with my sex-addicted then-husband, but I just despise condoms that I knew I had to do something else on the rare occasion that I would let him touch me! I decided on an IUD.

Eight months later, I had the IUD removed. To say I hated it would be lying. I really really HATED it! Not only did my OB knick my cervix inserting it and had to cauterize it which burned like a motherfucker, but for days after it felt like it was gonna' fall out of me! It was most unpleasant. Then not only did my flow become heavier, longer and it felt like I was having late-stage labor contractions when I started my period but no size tampon would stop me from dripping blood wherever I walked! The thought about shoving an entire bag of cotton balls up me crossed my mind but I immediately thought about the reaction the ER doctor would have upon removing 100 or so cotton balls from my poon.

Then, my dr. felt "something" during a routine exam, did an ultrasound and said I had complex cysts. I won't go into details about the different kinds of cysts that women can get on a monthly-basis but what I have is the worst you can have because without added estrogen, these suckers have a tendency to grow to pre-cancerous levels and I am not nor was I then, ready to get a hysterectomy. So back on a pill but I chose a mini-pill as I didn't like the effects the pill was having on me. A short while later, I was off the mini-pill as I bled for 28 days straight.

So now I have to take the pill for medical reasons and me and my monthly short-lived flow are happy. Did I just say I was happy to have my period?!

Monday, March 20, 2006

To Mr Fabulous

To Mr Fabulous

I can remember a few years back, I think it was about six months after we met on the set of "To Fuck A Mockingbird" and about three months into our turbulent love affair. We were holed up in our lovenest in upstate New York in January and we were bored out of skulls and suffering from serious cabin fever.

You got it into your head that the time would pass more quickly if we engaged in some hard core anal fisting. So as you assumed the position, I went looking for the K-Y but we were out, so instead I found a spray can of WD-40 and squirted some into your little brown hole, and applied liberally to my freakishly large fist.

Boy, that was an embarassing visit to the emergency room.

I never got my watch back.

Friday, March 03, 2006


Um...news break. Please, please explain to me why a fugly looking asshole thinks it would be perfectly okay to dress up like a woman when he is an elementary school teacher? Kids are screwed up enough these days without someone bringing this shit into an elementary school. Hey "Lily", wanna make a real statement? Go teach high school looking like that...you fucking freak. Let's see how "accepted" you'll be. Oh, and before anyone jumps my ass about intolerance, I don't give a flaming SHIT what you do in your sex life as long as it doesn't involve kids or small furry animals. BUT...when you first teach little kids as a man, you don't return as a woman to fuck up their little minds. Public school does NOT mean "anything goes". Keep your sex life out of the school.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

I must apologize to the girls at "I Talk Too Much"

I must publicly apologize to the "bitches" at I Talk Too Much. And I said some things that include all the people who comment there, when I had no right to insult any of them.

Their review of my blog made me realize how much I SUCK. I can tell by how few people even commented on my blog. I feel like such a loser. My life has become a sham. I think I just need to start over.